Animals Doing Funny Things!

To: The Sweatiest Man On The Subway And Possibly The World, 

It is clear you knew you would be hot today. Why do I suspect this? Because, you’ve brought with you a white rag for wiping sweat off of your body. You were prepared. But, it seems to me, unfortunately, that this tiny rag is no match for the sweat faucets masquerading as your pores. You have been forced to take off your t-shirt to bare your white tank under-shirt. Your arms rub against your fellow New Yorkers as they dry-heave and try to avoid the Slip ‘N Slide® that is your body. It is hard for me to watch you suffer, and to watch your fellow passengers suffer beside you, when I see a CLEAR solution. 

So, my friend, from me to you: A NOTE! Perhaps on your next sojourn out of the little zit-crevice you came out of, you could consider NOT WEARING FUCKING SWEATPANTS IN 80-DEGREE WEATHER YOU FUCKING SNAIL.

It boggles the mind that a man such as yourself, a man with the foresight to bring a SWEAT RAG from home, did not consider the alternative: TO ELIMINATE THE NEED FOR A SWEAT RAG ALTOGETHER BY EMPLOYING BREATHABLE PANTS IN THEIR STEAD. 

IN. THEIR. STEAD. 

BUT NO! Perhaps, if you lost the sweatpants, you would also lose the “look” you’re going for, one you’ve carefully cultivated with bead necklaces and chin pubes. What a loss that loss would be. 

But, it is clear to me, and the poor woman sitting beside you on this subway, that the sweat bath you have inflicted on her was avoidable. Your sweat is being used as a weapon against the general public. Sir, you are a crowd, and this subway is near-empty, but you’ve managed to take every other person on this train and use them as a human squeegee. 

I can see your nipples through your shirt, and I hope you can see the disdain though my tinted sunnies. 

COMPLAINT STATUS: Unresolved

haiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii how are yaaaa… i am good thankzsomuccchhhh

Good to hear, good to hear you’re well then. Good to hear, good to hear you’re well then…

… I had called just to ask you how are you… and you answered, in a low tone. 

But I felt a surprise! 

Sensed a glint in your eyes! 

When you decided to answer the phone!

And you said YOU ARE FINEEEEE……. AND I’M GLAD TO HEAR ITTTTT!!!!!

CUZ YOU’VE SEEMED REALLY DOWN 

But you’ve still got SPIRITTTTT!!! 

Catch you later. [hangs up]